Let The Nuns Have Them 4/6/10

The Five Bad Habits of a Mostly Ineffective Person

1. Nose Picking. I picked a bad one, or rather, it was picked badly for me by my parents. It veers left almost instantly, eliminating me from The Symmetry Sweepstakes. Once you lose that, you'll always look like a gangster, or a Martian. My mom had a theory that my nose was straight until I got my braces at the age of twelve, but the orthodontist reached up into my sinus cavity, i.e.: my brainpan, and toggled my nose until my teeth lined up in the holes they were supposed to push through. It's not a theory that has gained much traction in orthodontia trade journals, and she's never had any luck with it in the courts, but it helps assuage the guilt she feels over the faulty nose-direction gene she gave me.

2. Not Asking Enough Questions. You know how most kids will bug you to death with a million back-to-back queries? Not me. I was very credulous. You say the fire's hot, I believe you, Dad. I don't need to ask "Why," and touch the exhaust pipe on your Harley. Unfortunately, I've carried this into adulthood. I wish I'd asked the salesman at the Chrysler dealership which way the assets were supposed to flow when I went in to participate in the Cash For Clunkers program. You tell me I give you $3500, and my '97 Jeep Cherokee, in exchange for stimulating the economy? I'm all in. I got a good deal on the payments, too.

3. Rooting For/Betting On The Underdog In Any Contest. There's a reason they're the underdogs, which is that they are not supposed to win. They are too slow, too old, too underpaid, too underfunded, or just flat-out too lousy at what they do. I took the Utah Jazz, twice, against the Michael Jordans in the NBA Finals. Have you ever heard any kid say he wanted to be like Bryan (Russell)? I also voted for Ralph Nader, twice. Looking back, I don't think that even HE took Ralph Nader seriously as a candidate. If he was so smart, why couldn't he figure out how to shave?

4. Correcting Mispronunciations. I should just let it slide, but there really is only one way to pronounce the name of the "big burrito place" chain restaurants that crank the toonz up to infinity, have wickedly uncomfortable chairs, and are impossible to get into at lunch and dinner. And that is chi-POTE-leh. Not chi-POLE-tee, or chi-PO-teez. I've told forty million people so far, and they have all threatened to kill me. And none would let me cut in front of them in line. I told them that the intelligent should be allowed first pick of the fruits of the land, in order to fuel our ability to educate the violently stupid. Then, I was beat up.



5. Procrastinating. This is the worst for me. That's why I saved it for last. I always feel that I can make a better decision, if I just have more time to think about it. Sometimes, as it turns out, that ends up being no decision. Once, while walking in a yellow wood, I came to a place where two roads diverged. I mulled over which was the better path to take. I thought I would take the one less traveled by, believing that if I could make the opposite choice from my predecessors, it might make all the difference. But I couldn't even decide which was the less-beaten path, so I pondered some more. So long I stood in that spot that the two paths were beaten down by dirt-bikers and trail-runners, getting their recreation on outside the crowded city. Then the paths were paved to allow developers to put up acres and acres of subdivisions promising "Country living, just minutes from downtown." Then the paved paths were widened to four lanes, then six, then eight, and they all seemed pretty well traveled by speeding three-trailer semis, and Prius minivans.

Thanks for reading.