Saint Amy Day 2/14/10

Looks like a billion Chinese can be wrong about something. Today is their New Year's Day-the biggest holiday on their calendar. But what they don't know is that today is also my wife's birthday. It's also Valentine's Day, which is an over-blown, pseudo-holiday, concocted by the flower and chocolate industries, so as to boost their heart-shaped bottom lines. No, Saint Amy Day is the big one. The day on which we celebrate the birth and life of America's Sweetheart.

She was such an adorable baby, that, upon her return from the hospital, the mayor of her hometown of Pierson, IA, banned further baby production for that year, as all would seem merely wrinkled and stinky by comparison.

Every morning before grade school, she would rise and deliver the paper which contained stories reported and written by her, amongst the advertisements she had solicited from the local businesses. She did this without fail, regardless of the weather, which could be cruel, especially in Winter. Said she, "I love Winter, especially the blizzards, for then I am unable to ride my bike, and I get to deliver my route barefoot."

As a choir singer in high school, she stood out for her remarkable ability to sing soprano, alto, tenor, and bass parts simultaneously. So, in fact, she was a choir of one. This allowed her school to save money on transportation, as she could drive to performances in her own car. And her would-be choir mates could spare themselves the frustration of falling short of her abilities, and could then pursue other interests, in which they might actually possess some competence.

After graduation, Amy entered the optical industry, so that she could use her own keen "eye" for astigmatism and fashion, in order to get America seeing and looking better. She once told a woman with an angular face, that if she purchased the rectangular frames she was considering, she would look like nothing more than a well-educated horse, and perhaps she should consider something rounder. Through tears, and with absolutely no anger, the woman shouted "Thank you very much," before running off to the Better Business Bureau to tell them what a solid addition to the mercantile community Amy was.

Now, as the beloved wife of the author, and motherly mother of a Scottish Terrier and Diablo-Teufel shorthair cat, Amy nurtures, feeds, and removes mats from the fur of us all. Her angelic/booming voice fills these walls with music that stirs the soul, and puts hair back on our chests. Her sunny smile radiates a zest for life and a fondness for toothpaste. Her bright blue eyes are like the Mediterranean Sea at dawn, minus the industrial pollution and hordes of jellyfish.

Her birth is cause for celebration, every day. And if I were you, China, I would get on the stick, off your butt, and with the program. People from Iowa to Kansas, and everywhere in between, are down. I mean, could five billion non-Chinese be wrong?

Thanks for humoring me.