Damn it, Tanith Feb.19, 2010

Don't white people just come up with the weirdest names for their kids sometimes? Like what's with this trend of naming 20th and 21st Century babies after 19th Century American presidents? Tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Addison, just why did you name your lovely daughter, Madison? Did you admire his work on The Federalist Papers? Or,was it his framing of the Bill of Rights, which guarantees that you will never be harassed by your government for giving your children pretentious names?

Zachary, for boys, and Taylor, for girls, serves both genders, which he failed to do in life-women's suffrage not passing until seventy years after his mercifully brief tenure. California was admitted to the Union on his watch, however, and in that state today folks are fighting it out over the right of Zachs to marry Abes, and Taylors to tie the knox with Tylers. No comment at this time from Old Rough and Ready over Prop 8.

But the Caucasian appellation that is sweeping the nation these days is Tanith Belbin. Eh? She is the Canadian-born, naturalized-American pairs ice dancer, who is getting ready to skate, gyrate, and belbinate all over her Olympic competitors in Vancouver. Hers is just one weird-ass name. When I first heard it, four things came to mind. I present them here in the order of their distance from the pseudo-sport of ice dancing. Tanith Belbin is:
1)A horny-footed denizen of Middle Earth.
2)Something Jerry Lewis may have said in "The Geisha Boy." As in, "Lady, you
tanithed my belbin!"
3)The capital city of the former Soviet republic of Tajerkistan, Tanith-Belbin.
Stalin exiled Trotsky there, I think.
4)The phrase that is the only one that comes close to rhyming with "Damn it,
Melvin."

I have a creeping fear that in ten years, when I am finally released from a federal penitentiary for viciously slandering Tanith Belbin, I will read in the online version of The Kansas City Star that the most common name for baby girls-for the tenth consecutive year, was- Tanith, with Rutherford B. Hayes a strong second.

Oh, and I ran three miles today.

Thanks for humoring me.